I Know That I Speak, Alone, Sometimes Aloud...

Je sais que je parle, seule, a voix haute parfois, plus souvent au fond de mois, mais j'ai besoin d'ecrire ce texte, tant pis pour la prudence, il ya aura toujours quelqu'un pour m'epecher de commettre les erreurs impardonnables, si j'arrive reellement a perdre mes habitudes d'auto censure.

-J.J. Dominique

Je Pense, Donc Je Suis

Sabatical

Where have I gone?

What have I been up to?

Well, it is officially my senior year and I'm graduating this up and coming May and I am lost! Where do I go now? My creative thinking cap has flown off in the windstorm of life so it seems. I wish Miami was filled with the resources of the Northeast...unfortunately, we pay the same prices for housing and yet we lack the professional and academic resources they bask in. I wonder if its worth the sacrifice of leaving the comfort of home and decent living in the pursuit of who knows what??

I never thought I'd say this, but being in my early 20's has been far less of the excitement I'd planned for when I was younger. More and more, I realize that we spend these times in our lives setting ourselves up for our futures. Careers, marriage and family all fall somewhere under the umbrella of being in 20-30 range. And sometimes securing one leaves you at a disadvantage to the others and often times you can have it all, it just doesn't actualize the way you initially envision it.

Whatever the case may be, I'll conclude that I'll have to manage chasing my professional dreams and still find the space and time to pursue my personal dreams as well. Perhaps the heightened fear of growing older and yet unprofessional is what really catapults my thoughts into a dismal spell! Regardless, I'm still writing, still thinking and more importantly setting myself up for the greatness we're all guaranteed through our self motivation, passion and drive.

Until the mood strikes again and the chai latte pours...

"Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the human condition there is no shame in being wrong, only in failing to correct our mistakes."

-George Soros

Eskimo Kisses to Delight In

A Word, The Truth, A Promise.

Numbers 23:19

God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?

A Road Less Traveled

When can I officially declare myself reborn of my old self? Will it be the resulting shed layers of old skins? And what of my thoughts and my hearts condition...do those things find themselves renewed as well?

These matters become trivial as I continue on my quest for this person I know, but I've yet to come face on with in the mirror.

Who is she?

Where does she go from then on or even from here?

She, or shall I say I doesn't know...but she has faith and a promise. Not like those of man, who change reluctantly with the brush of the winds, but in something so unprofound and unthinkable...most onlookers will never see its reality.

So I'll go on staring this mirror on, until the fog fades and the images clarity begins to shape.

Where Did I Go....Wrong?

So on this path of mine it seems as though I'm pushing forward and yet the vague remnants of things that I like to attribute to the past as seeping in. Where did I go wrong?

Pause.

Pause a bit longer.

Reflecting.

Reflected.

Shaking my head and sighing as I come into agreement.

I went wrong, well I steered off path when I decided to allow the "what ifs" to determine "what happens." I veered somewhere into the line of fire as I like to call it because it seems as though only static and heat come from this direction only I can see and feel as a result of entertaining what may in fact just be an illusion.

I'm tired.

And I don't mean that I'm sleep deprived, I mean I'm truth deprived. Devastated, because the only truth deprivation that I'm experiencing is my own. Since when is life and death in the tongue of the OTHER person and NOT my own? Ahhh.....I caught myself in the moments of reflecting on where it all went down hill.

Reclamation.

A slip has turned to perpetual slipping and I have fallen. On the upside of things...I've gotten back up. Actually I'm standing now and I got back what I thought I lost when I asked "Where did I go wrong."

Well...perhaps I went right only to go "wrong" and realize I was along the intended path to begin with. The minor upset that I encountered was only a condition of the road that I have far passed as of now.

Rejoicing.

I'm on the right path heading right again.....well, at least until I have to check myself and ask the famed question.

On change...

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

-Alan Cohen

Did You Close The Door On Forgiveness?

Forgive and FORGET.

True or False?

Attainable or Fallible principle we're taught to strive for?

I'm struggling with understanding the true principle of forgiveness. Better yet, I like to blame my human condition on my individual limitations and short-comings. However, I truly beg the question of whether or not I have the power to forgive myself first, and then others. The irony of this, is that I'm only self evaluating as a result of posing the question to someone else.

Question: Have you forgiven yourself?

Answer: No.

Short question and an even shorter answer. But as a result a deep revelation into the complexity of our existences and our hearts. Is it larger than self to take the first steps to forgiving? Even when that forgiveness should begin within ourselves? (scratching my head)

Nevertheless, take the courage and get over who you once were so that you can fully embrace who you are today. If you live comparatively to the person you were before the growth process what happens to the person you've become as a result of it? Although we've confined forgiveness into this unattainable vault of backstabbing best friends and random co-workers you're still trying to forget....realize that the key first fits in unlocking the spirit of forgiveness within yourself.

And I'm sure you'll read this and wonder what made me write this, and perhaps what made me write it specifically to you, but so you know its not in judging you that I'm doing this. And like so many of us, the old "skins" we wore are perhaps like night compared to ther fresh breath of daylight air we are today. Clark Kent and Superman....it always resonates when I sit back and really reflect on you...I can put a face on the person, some features as well, but I always seem to miss something in retrospect. Perhaps you know better than I do, but regardless of the facts either past or present you must face the reality that you were beautifully designed and created to do those very same things you struggle with forgiving yourself over.

Your blessings come from your past, they design the footholds that will only propel you upwards even if you realize the propensity you have to falling and back-tracking.

...(Sigh)...I'm Thinking.

They say some of the BEST things in life come unexpectedly, in unexpected paces and in unexpected ways. Jokes aren't jokes anymore-and those days, well they'll fade. But its only as a result of them that we are where we are today. Learning and listening, while disregarding what was really in the works between us. If only we had the understanding to correlate our experiences; maybe then the choices that were made then wouldn't have been. Maybe, just maybe we wouldn't have to question where we are today. Regardless of the facts that pertain to these matters, we've made it...all of us, each in our own separate ways, all on our own separate paths. Only to find one another yet again, realizing that we've made it only far enough to realize, retell and perhaps recommit past offenses we've still yet to learn.

But, that's our nature after all isn't it? We move forward only to look back and learn in order to continue further along in the journey.

As a result of these things, I wonder how progressive we are. Not only in truth, but also in the rhythmic beats of our hearts and spirits? Do our friendships parallel our ideals of love and self love; or are we conditionally conditioned to rate our existences on scales that are neither quantitative or qualitative--but merely happen to exist?

I'm tired of concluding that seeking self has to come from within and that most things* only provide temporary relief because they offer alternatives as opposed to direct solutions. And while I rest on the subject, I'd like to state that its topical and less than water soluble--because the lines hereafter are rarely ever clear cut. They just blend and erase with the passing of time, like all things do.

In the process though, well...I mean in the PROCESS of losing me, I'll find you and neglect to realize my initial reason for searching for "self". It was my purpose to find me, but like I said instead I found you, ideals and a cause. More importantly, I discovered that its all a maze that ends where it begins and restarts somewhere in the middle.

Chaos you'd say, but "normality" as I've come to understand both the flaws of life and my life subjectively.

...(Sigh)...Mondays make me think, so I thought long and hard today.

Self-Medicating Stiletto's Steal The Show!

I'm an addict; can't go without it for too long, less I find myself strung out and in bits and pieces wondering when I'd ever gone this long without a glance over of something as sensational.

I'm a junkie; I'd beg to know if you'd seen it or caught a glimpse of the best that has still yet to come.

I'm craving; like the best chocolate cake I've ever had or better yet the red velvet goodness that has been compared to being better than sex....I need, I need, I need it!

I'm restless; anticipation always gets the best of me when I realize that I have to figure out how I plan to get my fix.

I'm a feign; also referred to as junkie or addict...but it sounds a little more risque...it keeps you guessing.

So....

I'm on the path to the best solution; I'm self-medicating with the best therapeutic solution my imagination has stumbled upon.

I'm A Stiletto SweetHart; yes, a StilettoSweetHart. Which means my fashion explosion is soon to come and coming outrageously soon. The best of art, music, fashion and yes...ME!

I'm kicking off 22 on the stylishly bedazzled right and left foot with my secret indulgence....follow me onto stilettosweetharts.blogspot.com and on twitter!

As for now, I have music and fun colors to stare at....But of course there are Savvy Sundays to look forward to all the way through to Stifling Saturdays and Waring Wednesdays in between.

So stay tuned, stay fly and keep the fashion police at bay!

A Year Older, A Year Stronger, A Year Longer...

So I have officially jumped the broom and I am one year older! The big 22 comes with a lot of excitement (internally at least) because I am definitely propelling myself one step closer to my goals and my dreams. It's funny because this past weekend the "slug" in me was awakened and for once I had no desire to do much of anything, besides reluctantly checking my email for good news on jobs or internships. To no surprise of mine did anything come up, but I was graced with the sensation to declare publicly that I am a fashion junkie with over 5 magazine subscriptions, a project runway addiction and the closet fantasy of picking up where I left off in high school and sewing.

Crazy! Crazy! I tell you, because here it is four years out of high school, major life transitions, tragically failed "romances", countless journals about my road to self discovery....and NOW I think I want to be what I wanted to be when I was in middle school. Let's not forget that in high school I had dreams of being a fashion journalist until someone conveniently stomped all over those. Nevertheless, I'm excited to be 22, to be in love and to still be on the road to the never ending path of self discovery. It's funny, because I purchased a book titled "The 10 Women You'll be before 30" (which I have yet to read) and to no surprise of mine I've already encountered two post versions of myself....

As I bitterly question the root of the "post me's", I also embrace this "new" me, or at least the me that I have uncovered in the process of being layered with my old skins. Fortunately, some qualities are here to stay; blogging MORE FREQUENTLY being one of them, my romance for writing being another and my passion for being possible, because someone* helped me realized that impossible only means im-possible.

Well...I'm back to psychoanalyzing this recent Harper's Bazaar! Still perplexed that Naomi actually had the balls to do this spread despite the unforgiving controversy I'm sure someone had to realize it would cause. For more insight I definitely suggest you check out www.blackandugly.com @Riffy did a FABULOUS cover on the story!

I Have Come To The Realization

So, it's become rather apparent that the time spent in search of what was...simply is no longer. Growing up, well this is lonely it seems. I understand my grandmother's countless words of wisdom as I contemplate how some things only come along, so they can pass away.

Friendships so they say are like marriages, and friends do happen to divorce and some do so rather casually and frequently at that. So I won't pretend and diddly daddle the way you like to when the subject is at hand and needs to be discussed. I think we've brushed past the conversation of keeping up appearances and facades so that the general public would remain unaware. I thought that was established as no way to continue a life in truth or atleast in love, which is furnished amongst other things by love.

Consequently, I don't care about what you do and I don't think the general public does either...we're all in this together whether we realize it or not. And if you continue to live under the guise of shadowing the reality of YOUR situation for others hmph, well you'll see where that takes you. I'm telling you, I let go of all that a long time ago and to no surprise of mine....you still haven't. I would think that knowing the truth could only enable you to do better; either on your own or with the push of someone strong enough to guide you. But that can't be, only because you've got it all together, all figured out and under control. But you're neglecting to realize that NOBODY ever does...we're all just as transient as the days of our lives that wisk by within a 24 hour time frame repeatedly.

I'm sorry that what we wish for in life doesn't always come to pass as easily as we wish and pray that they do...but we've already learned this life lesson. We're growing, atleast we should be or then we're dead...Don't you realize that broken hearts like broken promises aren't easily mended but for some phenomenal reason, time seems to at least heal the douleur? And I'm just saying why go on parading when you can be free? Not only with yourself but to everyone else who sees that you're burning with so much hurt and pain but you're stubborn, you won't let your brokenness carry on in vain; well at least we all know in the end you'll have something to show for it.

I have come to realize alot of things, but this realization is truley one of the damning one's because I understand what having the potential mean's now, but lacking the resource of self love and understanding will do to an individual. I think one day you'll understand my realization and the one a few of us around you have settled on...but you're enjoying the facade you've placed up--So we can't interrupt you. I just hope that your potential never passes too far on that you'll never have the opportunity to live up to it!

This Is For Those of Us Who Are "Asleep"

That which the dream shows is the shadow of such wisdom as exists in man, even if during his waking state he may know nothing about it.... We do not know it because we are fooling away our time with outward and perishing things, and are asleep in regard to that which is real within ourself. ~Paracelsus

An Open Letter to the One Who Has My Heart:

I'm sure that you'll read this and be as surprised to read this, as I am to write it. I figured, if there's something that my heart could translate into words or at least blog about it would be this, but probably much, much more. I'm sure I could fill that journal of mine that everyone is dead set on calling a diary about how faint the presence of words and poetry wrapped around you causes me to feel. But the truth is, I've never had to write an open letter to the one who has my heart and question what the reception of it would be...instead I anticipate a deep and calculated read and then maybe one of the most passionate responses that I can't even imagine yet. But, that's besides the point. I digress...back to my heart blogging, well at least for now....


The love I've sought out through the depths of her existence has been so cleverly disguised as a friend, turned best friend and now love. Not only were laughs shared and awkward giggles with the brush of kisses on the cheek, but now both our hearts and souls have kissed and danced under the moonlight, on my favorite beach in the waking hour. See, we've ultimately altered the future with the hopes of binding and fusing "self" in place to be of greater influence on each others lives, than what we are today.


I wonder if you know that I've made a date with you somewhere far beyond where you can imagine, in a special place that I'm sure you've been to a time or two before? Perhaps you think its a bluff, but I know with every fiber of who I am here and now, we'll make it to that place not only in love, but more importantly how we began; in friendship.


That's the part that makes me blush....you were my friend and I would've never imagined an "us" as we are now--but I did fantasize about one throughout the course of ritual late night passionate sessions of thoughts coupled with music and emotion. I didn't realize it then, but I could always expect a late night urge to grab up the only comfort I've come to know and find solace and reprieve. Too bad I was too blinded from the warped realities that flourish not only within in me, but outside and around me to realize that we've been building a fortress because we've completed what seems to be the foundation...but, somehow I know we understand that building doesn't happen overnight...so we need not rush.


And speaking of rushing...I wonder if you know how much my heart pace rushes just from the faintest touch or how I think my heart skips a beat when you remind me that you and I have a solidified bond? Or that speaking of the future makes me weak?


I can't lie and say that my heart no longer has any fear. But consequently since you've been here you've shown me that love and loving should be one of the easiest things I do in this lifetime. Whether its with you or in my future endeavors, I can say without a shadow of doubt that I have loved before even truly understanding the scope and the depth of my love until now.

As I sit here in this place, I realize that I have reached a point I have sought after for a long time...It has nothing to do with love and loving you, but with loving me and where I am at this very point in life. It wasn't until long ago that I concluded, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in life; no further along and no much further behind. However, more and more its become apparent that this is a learning process for me as much as this is a development process for you, and I hope that through each phase in the process and the envisioning of our futures somehow I know we'll be close in reach.

So, here it is my heart poured out (in a small dose of course)...I'm confident that what I feel is what I NEED to share! And its not so much who it's addressed to but its more about the feeling and the feeling that erupt even in this very moment. Consequently, the one who has my heart...has it buried in faith, trust and most importantly love! I pray that through my love, this love can grow and grow....hopefully giving you as the reader the opportunity to know me and my love more and more, better and better as deeply and HONESTLY as I can profess it!

A Thought or Two---It's Been Too Too Too Long!

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
-Elbert Hubbard

I choked. No really--I choked on the reality that lies before me-escaping criticism will result in escaping life and a sense of fulfilment of self. Mis-takes seem to be what most of us are guilty of; mis taking our grasps on the here and now when in fact, we're dealing in a realm of illusions. See, I never thought I'd have to say it...but I guess I will for the mere sake of saying it. I never want to find myself lost in the fairytale of becoming who I thought I should be, based off of what someone else thought of me. I think its easy to chase the perceptions of who we are based off of comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. It's bondage and more importantly, its self imposed and disclosed and devoid of any love or inner reflection of self.

I realized and I have reconciled within that I am guilty as charged, but on some other plane of existence that I have to reach. However, uncovering and covering up are one in the same if you know how well to play your cards. But as I've said before, at least in the now...the price of bondage is NOT cheap, we sow not only what we will come to reap but what those who have come before us have also.

I'm just reflecting and readjusting. I never knew the price of bondage would cost so much...not in and of itself but nonetheless it be pricey. However, like an onion there are layers, layers and more layers to unfold before you get to the core. I've been peeling lately and I like what I see sometimes and at other times I have to sit back take notes and re-route layers for reconstruction. Regardless of the fantasy...I'm tapping into REALITY and its bittersweet but it doesn't compare to shackles, chains and being blind sighted.

It's just a thought or two, well maybe more so than that...But I figure its been too too too long and I miss expressing myself in the hardest way that I enjoy the most! If only I could express that writing is passion (for me)---you'd realize I have a love affair with something that I make so great or so weak at my own discretion. The words are real, the feelings too...

Photo credit: http://shakeoutblog.com

Writers Block?

So, it appears that I have fallen under a dismal spell of writer's block. I have so many ideas, and yet when I sit down to unload all that I have to say on paper...it doesn't seem to transpire. I've questioned this spell of writer's block and even went so far as to question what triggered it's onset. To no surprise of my own, I came to the conclusion that "I don't have a foundation!"

With that conclusion, I have decided that I will be away for some time as I reformulate my blogging purpose. Of course, when I say I will be away for some time I don't expect to be gone for long at all...perhaps a week, maybe two? However, I would like to say that I have been in the process of fine tuning my creativity by indulging in reading and now writing short stories. It's kind of funny, but I'm actually in the process of flipping through"The Writer's Book of Matches," which is actually proving to be a very witty and comical flip book that aids in igniting my currently dim creative light bulb.

In the meantime, I leave you all with something interesting that I came across that has really been resonating in my spirit:

"The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choices words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech." -Edwin H. Friedman

The point of it all

“I tell you everything that is really nothing, and nothing of what is everything, do not be fooled by what I am saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am not saying.”


I am continually amazed when I realize that we all silently express what we want to say or perhaps what we fear confessing, because we’re so afraid of what the perception of us will be once the truth is out. So we stay in our zone-- and slowly peer out when we feel the coast is clear, secretly hoping someone still cares enough to stay behind and listen.

I speak of myself specifically---and also those who go on “silently” around me…

It’s an endless thought trail when you realize that the one person you cherish above all is slowly dying inside because of the riddled realities that they’ve endured for so long. Sitting by, only to realize that seeking peace and actually acquiring it are two totally different things that are set on lateral paths. The key is understanding. Without understanding there can’t be an elevation to the next tier up, so it becomes easy to go on chasing your tail in never ending circles as opposed to getting results.

I’ve been tail chasing. I lost sight of seeking understanding before making moves. Interestingly enough, it takes falling and sometimes falling HARD, to be able to brush the dirt off of your scraped knees and to press on. I’d like to think that as of today, I have a new handle on one particular thing that I have taken rather lightly for the past few years. And the best part of it all, is that I had to go in continual circles for a long time before I realized I kept ending up exactly where I started---lost and without a clue.

I found one “SOMETHING” to make all my other “SOMETHINGS” come to fruition! Now its all a matter of nurturing that something….minus the little “f” we all sometimes turn into the BIG “F“----fear.