So I have officially jumped the broom and I am one year older! The big 22 comes with a lot of excitement (internally at least) because I am definitely propelling myself one step closer to my goals and my dreams. It's funny because this past weekend the "slug" in me was awakened and for once I had no desire to do much of anything, besides reluctantly checking my email for good news on jobs or internships. To no surprise of mine did anything come up, but I was graced with the sensation to declare publicly that I am a fashion junkie with over 5 magazine subscriptions, a project runway addiction and the closet fantasy of picking up where I left off in high school and sewing.
Crazy! Crazy! I tell you, because here it is four years out of high school, major life transitions, tragically failed "romances", countless journals about my road to self discovery....and NOW I think I want to be what I wanted to be when I was in middle school. Let's not forget that in high school I had dreams of being a fashion journalist until someone conveniently stomped all over those. Nevertheless, I'm excited to be 22, to be in love and to still be on the road to the never ending path of self discovery. It's funny, because I purchased a book titled "The 10 Women You'll be before 30" (which I have yet to read) and to no surprise of mine I've already encountered two post versions of myself....
As I bitterly question the root of the "post me's", I also embrace this "new" me, or at least the me that I have uncovered in the process of being layered with my old skins. Fortunately, some qualities are here to stay; blogging MORE FREQUENTLY being one of them, my romance for writing being another and my passion for being possible, because someone* helped me realized that impossible only means im-possible.
Well...I'm back to psychoanalyzing this recent Harper's Bazaar! Still perplexed that Naomi actually had the balls to do this spread despite the unforgiving controversy I'm sure someone had to realize it would cause. For more insight I definitely suggest you check out www.blackandugly.com @Riffy did a FABULOUS cover on the story!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
I Have Come To The Realization
So, it's become rather apparent that the time spent in search of what was...simply is no longer. Growing up, well this is lonely it seems. I understand my grandmother's countless words of wisdom as I contemplate how some things only come along, so they can pass away.
Friendships so they say are like marriages, and friends do happen to divorce and some do so rather casually and frequently at that. So I won't pretend and diddly daddle the way you like to when the subject is at hand and needs to be discussed. I think we've brushed past the conversation of keeping up appearances and facades so that the general public would remain unaware. I thought that was established as no way to continue a life in truth or atleast in love, which is furnished amongst other things by love.
Consequently, I don't care about what you do and I don't think the general public does either...we're all in this together whether we realize it or not. And if you continue to live under the guise of shadowing the reality of YOUR situation for others hmph, well you'll see where that takes you. I'm telling you, I let go of all that a long time ago and to no surprise of mine....you still haven't. I would think that knowing the truth could only enable you to do better; either on your own or with the push of someone strong enough to guide you. But that can't be, only because you've got it all together, all figured out and under control. But you're neglecting to realize that NOBODY ever does...we're all just as transient as the days of our lives that wisk by within a 24 hour time frame repeatedly.
I'm sorry that what we wish for in life doesn't always come to pass as easily as we wish and pray that they do...but we've already learned this life lesson. We're growing, atleast we should be or then we're dead...Don't you realize that broken hearts like broken promises aren't easily mended but for some phenomenal reason, time seems to at least heal the douleur? And I'm just saying why go on parading when you can be free? Not only with yourself but to everyone else who sees that you're burning with so much hurt and pain but you're stubborn, you won't let your brokenness carry on in vain; well at least we all know in the end you'll have something to show for it.
I have come to realize alot of things, but this realization is truley one of the damning one's because I understand what having the potential mean's now, but lacking the resource of self love and understanding will do to an individual. I think one day you'll understand my realization and the one a few of us around you have settled on...but you're enjoying the facade you've placed up--So we can't interrupt you. I just hope that your potential never passes too far on that you'll never have the opportunity to live up to it!
Friendships so they say are like marriages, and friends do happen to divorce and some do so rather casually and frequently at that. So I won't pretend and diddly daddle the way you like to when the subject is at hand and needs to be discussed. I think we've brushed past the conversation of keeping up appearances and facades so that the general public would remain unaware. I thought that was established as no way to continue a life in truth or atleast in love, which is furnished amongst other things by love.
Consequently, I don't care about what you do and I don't think the general public does either...we're all in this together whether we realize it or not. And if you continue to live under the guise of shadowing the reality of YOUR situation for others hmph, well you'll see where that takes you. I'm telling you, I let go of all that a long time ago and to no surprise of mine....you still haven't. I would think that knowing the truth could only enable you to do better; either on your own or with the push of someone strong enough to guide you. But that can't be, only because you've got it all together, all figured out and under control. But you're neglecting to realize that NOBODY ever does...we're all just as transient as the days of our lives that wisk by within a 24 hour time frame repeatedly.
I'm sorry that what we wish for in life doesn't always come to pass as easily as we wish and pray that they do...but we've already learned this life lesson. We're growing, atleast we should be or then we're dead...Don't you realize that broken hearts like broken promises aren't easily mended but for some phenomenal reason, time seems to at least heal the douleur? And I'm just saying why go on parading when you can be free? Not only with yourself but to everyone else who sees that you're burning with so much hurt and pain but you're stubborn, you won't let your brokenness carry on in vain; well at least we all know in the end you'll have something to show for it.
I have come to realize alot of things, but this realization is truley one of the damning one's because I understand what having the potential mean's now, but lacking the resource of self love and understanding will do to an individual. I think one day you'll understand my realization and the one a few of us around you have settled on...but you're enjoying the facade you've placed up--So we can't interrupt you. I just hope that your potential never passes too far on that you'll never have the opportunity to live up to it!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
This Is For Those of Us Who Are "Asleep"
That which the dream shows is the shadow of such wisdom as exists in man, even if during his waking state he may know nothing about it.... We do not know it because we are fooling away our time with outward and perishing things, and are asleep in regard to that which is real within ourself. ~Paracelsus
Monday, August 17, 2009
An Open Letter to the One Who Has My Heart:
I'm sure that you'll read this and be as surprised to read this, as I am to write it. I figured, if there's something that my heart could translate into words or at least blog about it would be this, but probably much, much more. I'm sure I could fill that journal of mine that everyone is dead set on calling a diary about how faint the presence of words and poetry wrapped around you causes me to feel. But the truth is, I've never had to write an open letter to the one who has my heart and question what the reception of it would be...instead I anticipate a deep and calculated read and then maybe one of the most passionate responses that I can't even imagine yet. But, that's besides the point. I digress...back to my heart blogging, well at least for now....
The love I've sought out through the depths of her existence has been so cleverly disguised as a friend, turned best friend and now love. Not only were laughs shared and awkward giggles with the brush of kisses on the cheek, but now both our hearts and souls have kissed and danced under the moonlight, on my favorite beach in the waking hour. See, we've ultimately altered the future with the hopes of binding and fusing "self" in place to be of greater influence on each others lives, than what we are today.
I wonder if you know that I've made a date with you somewhere far beyond where you can imagine, in a special place that I'm sure you've been to a time or two before? Perhaps you think its a bluff, but I know with every fiber of who I am here and now, we'll make it to that place not only in love, but more importantly how we began; in friendship.
That's the part that makes me blush....you were my friend and I would've never imagined an "us" as we are now--but I did fantasize about one throughout the course of ritual late night passionate sessions of thoughts coupled with music and emotion. I didn't realize it then, but I could always expect a late night urge to grab up the only comfort I've come to know and find solace and reprieve. Too bad I was too blinded from the warped realities that flourish not only within in me, but outside and around me to realize that we've been building a fortress because we've completed what seems to be the foundation...but, somehow I know we understand that building doesn't happen overnight...so we need not rush.
And speaking of rushing...I wonder if you know how much my heart pace rushes just from the faintest touch or how I think my heart skips a beat when you remind me that you and I have a solidified bond? Or that speaking of the future makes me weak?
I can't lie and say that my heart no longer has any fear. But consequently since you've been here you've shown me that love and loving should be one of the easiest things I do in this lifetime. Whether its with you or in my future endeavors, I can say without a shadow of doubt that I have loved before even truly understanding the scope and the depth of my love until now.
As I sit here in this place, I realize that I have reached a point I have sought after for a long time...It has nothing to do with love and loving you, but with loving me and where I am at this very point in life. It wasn't until long ago that I concluded, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in life; no further along and no much further behind. However, more and more its become apparent that this is a learning process for me as much as this is a development process for you, and I hope that through each phase in the process and the envisioning of our futures somehow I know we'll be close in reach.
So, here it is my heart poured out (in a small dose of course)...I'm confident that what I feel is what I NEED to share! And its not so much who it's addressed to but its more about the feeling and the feeling that erupt even in this very moment. Consequently, the one who has my heart...has it buried in faith, trust and most importantly love! I pray that through my love, this love can grow and grow....hopefully giving you as the reader the opportunity to know me and my love more and more, better and better as deeply and HONESTLY as I can profess it!
The love I've sought out through the depths of her existence has been so cleverly disguised as a friend, turned best friend and now love. Not only were laughs shared and awkward giggles with the brush of kisses on the cheek, but now both our hearts and souls have kissed and danced under the moonlight, on my favorite beach in the waking hour. See, we've ultimately altered the future with the hopes of binding and fusing "self" in place to be of greater influence on each others lives, than what we are today.
I wonder if you know that I've made a date with you somewhere far beyond where you can imagine, in a special place that I'm sure you've been to a time or two before? Perhaps you think its a bluff, but I know with every fiber of who I am here and now, we'll make it to that place not only in love, but more importantly how we began; in friendship.
That's the part that makes me blush....you were my friend and I would've never imagined an "us" as we are now--but I did fantasize about one throughout the course of ritual late night passionate sessions of thoughts coupled with music and emotion. I didn't realize it then, but I could always expect a late night urge to grab up the only comfort I've come to know and find solace and reprieve. Too bad I was too blinded from the warped realities that flourish not only within in me, but outside and around me to realize that we've been building a fortress because we've completed what seems to be the foundation...but, somehow I know we understand that building doesn't happen overnight...so we need not rush.
And speaking of rushing...I wonder if you know how much my heart pace rushes just from the faintest touch or how I think my heart skips a beat when you remind me that you and I have a solidified bond? Or that speaking of the future makes me weak?
I can't lie and say that my heart no longer has any fear. But consequently since you've been here you've shown me that love and loving should be one of the easiest things I do in this lifetime. Whether its with you or in my future endeavors, I can say without a shadow of doubt that I have loved before even truly understanding the scope and the depth of my love until now.
As I sit here in this place, I realize that I have reached a point I have sought after for a long time...It has nothing to do with love and loving you, but with loving me and where I am at this very point in life. It wasn't until long ago that I concluded, that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in life; no further along and no much further behind. However, more and more its become apparent that this is a learning process for me as much as this is a development process for you, and I hope that through each phase in the process and the envisioning of our futures somehow I know we'll be close in reach.
So, here it is my heart poured out (in a small dose of course)...I'm confident that what I feel is what I NEED to share! And its not so much who it's addressed to but its more about the feeling and the feeling that erupt even in this very moment. Consequently, the one who has my heart...has it buried in faith, trust and most importantly love! I pray that through my love, this love can grow and grow....hopefully giving you as the reader the opportunity to know me and my love more and more, better and better as deeply and HONESTLY as I can profess it!
Friday, August 7, 2009
A Thought or Two---It's Been Too Too Too Long!
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
-Elbert Hubbard
I choked. No really--I choked on the reality that lies before me-escaping criticism will result in escaping life and a sense of fulfilment of self. Mis-takes seem to be what most of us are guilty of; mis taking our grasps on the here and now when in fact, we're dealing in a realm of illusions. See, I never thought I'd have to say it...but I guess I will for the mere sake of saying it. I never want to find myself lost in the fairytale of becoming who I thought I should be, based off of what someone else thought of me. I think its easy to chase the perceptions of who we are based off of comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. It's bondage and more importantly, its self imposed and disclosed and devoid of any love or inner reflection of self.
I realized and I have reconciled within that I am guilty as charged, but on some other plane of existence that I have to reach. However, uncovering and covering up are one in the same if you know how well to play your cards. But as I've said before, at least in the now...the price of bondage is NOT cheap, we sow not only what we will come to reap but what those who have come before us have also.
I'm just reflecting and readjusting. I never knew the price of bondage would cost so much...not in and of itself but nonetheless it be pricey. However, like an onion there are layers, layers and more layers to unfold before you get to the core. I've been peeling lately and I like what I see sometimes and at other times I have to sit back take notes and re-route layers for reconstruction. Regardless of the fantasy...I'm tapping into REALITY and its bittersweet but it doesn't compare to shackles, chains and being blind sighted.
It's just a thought or two, well maybe more so than that...But I figure its been too too too long and I miss expressing myself in the hardest way that I enjoy the most! If only I could express that writing is passion (for me)---you'd realize I have a love affair with something that I make so great or so weak at my own discretion. The words are real, the feelings too...
-Elbert Hubbard
I choked. No really--I choked on the reality that lies before me-escaping criticism will result in escaping life and a sense of fulfilment of self. Mis-takes seem to be what most of us are guilty of; mis taking our grasps on the here and now when in fact, we're dealing in a realm of illusions. See, I never thought I'd have to say it...but I guess I will for the mere sake of saying it. I never want to find myself lost in the fairytale of becoming who I thought I should be, based off of what someone else thought of me. I think its easy to chase the perceptions of who we are based off of comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. It's bondage and more importantly, its self imposed and disclosed and devoid of any love or inner reflection of self.
I realized and I have reconciled within that I am guilty as charged, but on some other plane of existence that I have to reach. However, uncovering and covering up are one in the same if you know how well to play your cards. But as I've said before, at least in the now...the price of bondage is NOT cheap, we sow not only what we will come to reap but what those who have come before us have also.
I'm just reflecting and readjusting. I never knew the price of bondage would cost so much...not in and of itself but nonetheless it be pricey. However, like an onion there are layers, layers and more layers to unfold before you get to the core. I've been peeling lately and I like what I see sometimes and at other times I have to sit back take notes and re-route layers for reconstruction. Regardless of the fantasy...I'm tapping into REALITY and its bittersweet but it doesn't compare to shackles, chains and being blind sighted.
It's just a thought or two, well maybe more so than that...But I figure its been too too too long and I miss expressing myself in the hardest way that I enjoy the most! If only I could express that writing is passion (for me)---you'd realize I have a love affair with something that I make so great or so weak at my own discretion. The words are real, the feelings too...
Photo credit: http://shakeoutblog.com
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